Most of you probably don’t know this, but I actually spent a good portion of my childhood in NorCal. Sacramento, a.k.a “Sac-Town Smack-Down” or “Sac-o-tomatoes”, to be exact. I was born in Los Angeles, and when I was about two my family moved up north. I went to elementary school in Sacramento until the fourth grade when my mother and I moved to Rhode Island. Now, almost 20 years later I am back for the foreseeable future to get my sh*t together.
When I left Rhode Island after high school, I honestly never imagined leaving Los Angeles. I fell in love with the sunshine and busy yet laid-back attitude of the city and I knew I wanted to be there forever. Even though I know I’ll be back, this has still been a weird transition for me. So why did I move? I’m glad you asked…
It all started in July when my mom started house-sitting for some of her long time friends. She had been asking me to come up and visit, and I felt like it would be a good way to get out of LA and destress for a while. So, in early August I spent a week up there with her and the dogs, Clint and Blossom. It was lovely. I spent the whole week reading by the pool and sleeping.
I was finally able to fully relax for the first time in years. I hadn’t fully this realized before, but I have been stressed out since way before the pandemic. The last time I remember being truly happy was in the summer of 2018. I spent my last three semesters in college stressed for various reasons and working on my final thesis film sent me into a very deep depressive state that I never really got over. I can’t even watch my own film now because of all of the stressful memories it brings back. Which really sucks because it’s a good film and my classmates really liked it, but that’s a story for another time.
Once I graduated from college, I was so emotionally and mentally drained that I literally didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to sleep and barely exist. I didn’t really understand why I was feeling like that, so I pushed passed it and made myself find an agent and as well as a regular job just to pay my monthly bills.
For the most part I felt like I was doing fine. And earlier this year, I was starting to take my creative endeavors more seriously and things were starting to pick up for me. Then the pandemic hit and everything went crazy.
At the beginning of the pandemic I was working two jobs, but that got to be too much so I quit one. But after a while, the stress of one job even became too much to handle. Some nights, I’d come home and just cry in my room until I fell asleep and I wouldn’t even know why I was crying. Being alone with my own thoughts made me take a hard look at myself and I realized that I needed change in my life.
By the time August had rolled around, I was more than ready for a break. Coming up north allowed me to clear my head and think for the first time in a long time. The morning walks with the dogs, the quiet nights, the fresh air (this was before the fires obviously) and the little to no traffic revitalized me. On my last night here, I remember sitting outside with my mother talking about how much I didn’t want to go back. I never thought I’d say this, but for the first time in my life, I actually hated LA. LA just wasn’t LA to me anymore without my career to look forward to. The thought of going back sent me into a panic.
I knew that I needed to get away to gain strength and perspective. So, when I went back, I started making plans to make my move up North. At first, I felt so guilty because I felt like I was letting down my job and my roommates for leaving. And if I’m being completely honest, I still feel kind of guilty about that, but I know that I’m doing what is best for me right now.
My last day in LA was Aug 30th. The next day, I packed up my car and made the 5 hour journey to Sacramento. It was my first time taking that long of a road trip by myself and it was a blast. I listened to music and sang all while thinking that I was so happy that I stuck to my guns and left. I’ve been here for about two weeks now and being up here has been everything I could have hoped for.
I know that it can be hard to admit to yourself that you need a break or that you need to start over. I’m usually not very good at that. But I’ve learned that even if it doesn’t “make sense” or it goes against what you usually do, following your instincts is never a bad idea. I think our bodies and minds are infinitely wise and listening to what they need is always the best way to go. For me, this experience is about learning to stay true to myself no matter how much it may hurt at first.
I’m not sure when I’ll be back in LA, but I’m sure that my journey there is far from over. Right now, I’m just taking everything one day at a time for the first time in my life and it feels really good. Wherever I go next and wherever life takes me, I know I’ll be a stronger and happier person because of my time here. I can’t wait to see how my life will continue to unfold.
Thanks for reading and as always…